Sokunbo today, Beef tomorrow, Beef forever
by kaorinakano1
Summary: Kagura wanted beef. That's it. But Shinpachi is busy finding the other 3 dragon balls (or 4 lol i cant remember) while Gintoki is searching for a time machine. Who'll give it to her? (I fail at making a funny fanfic forgive me) Rated for language.


**HI GUUUYS! I wrote this story earlier in the summer camp thingy while watching two people flirting in front of a duty painting a freaking boat. Ahahahaha this author is so pathetic, someone date me pls. Since wifi is strictly forbidden, I downloaded it in my captain's phone. Which is totally impossible. Who cares how I downloaded it?! Just enjoy this oneshot and write a review. I don't know just write something like 'wow so beef much meat wow' that'll be awesomely fine guys, AWESOMELY FINE! *coughs* Anyway, just give me your opinions don't worry I don't eat people, well if you smell vanilla i'd probably eat you whole. Oh wait, I'll add some mayonnaise on the top. SO YEAH THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE IS A TRASH SO JUST FREAKING SKIP THIS AND HURT THIS POOR GUY'S HEART THANK YOU VERY HAMNIDA.**

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It was a peaceful day in Edo, busy people working their asses off just to bring food for their loved ones, and some of them were just a lazy sandy-haired police officer started his patrol starting from the usual place, the park. He made his way finding an unoccupied bench and trying to control his temper for not shooting his bazooka from the couples faces.

"Find a room, for fuck's sake." Sougo whispered to himself as he search for his sleeping place. He hummed his chant for Hijikata, trying to kill him in a daylight is probably not a bad idea since everyone we'll see that their dog food eating Vice Commander is finally dead. He spotted a nice bench, with a tree shadowing it from the skin burning sunlight. But there's a problem.

Sougo looked at her with his deadpanned eyes as he walk closer. A familiar vermillion-haired china girl Is sitting on the bench eating sokunbo while swinging her feet up and down. A whip suddenly popped on the top of his head and an idea struck him. He then thought of something. Something like killing two birds with one stone.

Kagura, who doesn't know what's gonna happen looked around her and started to curse inside her head. She can even break someone's neck right now if they suddenly appear in front of her. All of the girls is starting to annoy her, big time. Especially the ones that act cute just to capture someone's attention.

"Oh you so can have my attention." Kagura hissed as she stopped the swinging of her feet and started to bite her parasol, trying to control her temper. She started to curse under her breath, trying to think straightly and suddenly a flyer slapped itself into her face. She looked at it, and pulled her hair up from the depression.

"I don't know that today is Valentine's Day. " She grabbed the paper, ready to rip it into pieces when she saw a tutorial on how to create a chocolate for someone. She slightly let go of her grip and started to read the instructions.

"1. Your chocolate tastes bad whether you read me or not." She cursed the talking flyer and started to rip it off. She grinned, feeling satisfied with what she did and started to swing her feet again.

"Wow, you just hurt this police officer's feelings. That's not right." She felt her soul just nearly left her body when a certain sandy-haired sadistic police officer appeared in front of her. She glared at him, guessing that he's the one who said that to her.

"For your discrimination, my chocolate taste good." Kagura replied proudly. Sougo looked at her with his deadpanned eyes and replied. "I believe that's for your information, China." Kagura just shrugged.

"Whatever. It has 'tion' in the both end of it. So who cares?" Sougo just shook his head and sat beside her. Making Kagura uncomfortable.

"You really are stupid, aren't you. I won't be surprised If one day, you'll be following Hijikata's steps starting with partnering mayonnaise with everything." Kagura started to imagine what will her food taste like if she adds mayonnaise.

Without saying a word, Kagura threw up making the other couple go away because of her ocean-like vomit. Sougo smirked and started to walk away, feeling his day is somewhat good. Kagura glared at his back and shouted.

"Y-You bastard! Now I won't be eating anything now b-because of what you just sai – bwruwaaagh" She threw up, remembering the dango that she ate with mayonnaise when Tosshi disappeared and once again replaced by the smoke addict, mayo lover Hijikata Toushiro.

"You're gonna pay for this – bwruwaagh"

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Sooner that day, the Yorozuya's unpaid member, Kagura, instead of painting the roof with her leader and friend, Gintoki she grabbed her parasol and her favorite snack of all time, sokunbo. She stared at it, remembering the conversation that she and Sougo had about the mayonnaise. She shook her head and closed her eyes and ate sokunbo whole. Shinpachi who was helping Gintoki looked at the vermillion-haired little girl and fumed at her.

"Kagura-chan, you won't get any shares if you keep this up. I can't believe I won't get any chocolates today." Shinpachi sobs and pointed at her using the paint brush that he's been using. Kagura snorted and picked another sokunbo from her pocket.

"What's the difference, anyways? I won't get paid by that lazy Gin-chan even if I work my ass off that's right uh-huh. And you're ugly as a duck so shut up!" She stood up and rested her parasol in her shoulder then looked at the silver-haired samurai and the four-eyed useless guy.

"Oi oi oi! What lazy? You're being the lazy one here, ya know. Shinpachi, let her be. She won't be eating beef later." Kagura's eyes opened widely and started to walk closer to Gintoki ignoring the fact that the paint is still wet. She grabbed his collar and started to shake him making the natural-permheaded samurai feel sick.

"I WANT BEEF!" Kagura shouted as she take the life out of Gintoki. Without noticing, she kicked the can of the paint down, bumping someone's head. Shinpachi screamed in horror, seeing the person is lying on the his own blood.

"I-I-It's f-f-fine. We'll find some t-t-time m-machine." Said by Kagura and Gintoki while leaning on a vending machine. Shinpachi quickly grabbed their collars by the back of their neck and started to go downstairs to check if the person is still breathing. If not, they'll probably just give Kagura to the police station and send 3boxes of sokunbo every week.

When they go down, they saw a black-haired young handsome boy wearing a silk yukata lying on the floor. They knew, that he's somewhat rich and the pay for this incident were their heads. Gintoki started to search for a time machine when Shinpachi collected 4 dragon balls, and still finding the last 3. Kagura poked the young boy's shoulder and smelled the red liquid. It's paint. She thought.

"Hey, I know you're not injured. No need to camouflage yourself. You're stupid uh-huh." The young boy opened his right eye, then the left one. He sighed and stood up, looking at the vermillion-haired girl in front of her. His heart beat started to beat fast, and his palms is starting to sweat.

"Nice to meet you! I'm Kagura. Kabukicho's queen." Kagura proudly introduced herself to the young boy. She offered her hand and the young boy slowly accepted it.

"I-I'm Hiroshi Homma. And I live up in the castle over there. It's an honor to meet the Kabukicho's queen." The young boy bowed and pointed the tallest building near the tallest tower. Kagura gasped of excitement.

"No need to be formal, my dear prince. Hoho. Really? That's a big house! I only live on a rundown apartment with a useless permheaded samurai. And my room is only a little closet. Too small for a queen, right uh-huh." Kagura scratched the back of her neck making the young prince's heart beat faster. He grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes while trembling.

"T-then, do you want to live with me up in that castle? Your room will be bigger!" Hiroshi said at the confused Kagura. She narrowed her eyes and looked at the castle.

"Is the food there delicious?" Kagura asked and looked into his eyes. Hiroshi nodded and smiled.

"Of course. We prepared high quality beef, fish, vegetables, and many more." The beef is only what she needs to hear. She gripped his hand tightly and nodded.

"Okay! I'll live with you." The young prince smiled as the both of them walk, leaving the two idiots behind when a certain person walked closer to the crime scene where the paint is starting to dry. He looked at her back with his usual deadpanned expression and kicked the can.

"_Beef, huh." _Sougo grabbed Gintoki and started to calm him down by saying that he has a time machine in his room, but there's a consequence.

"You're gonna rape me?" Gintoki asked. Sougo looked at him, with his eyebrows twitching.

"No, Danna. I need your help with something." Sougo replied.

"Why would Soichirou-kun will need my help, ey?" Gintoki asked.

"Sougo desu. It's about your glutton monster. I ah.." Gintoki looked at him, waiting for his request.

"I need you to help me steal her."

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It's their wedding day, without Kagura even knowing. She felt happy because now she'll be living in a castle with a lot of foods. Of course she won't forget about Gintoki and Shinpachi. So she prepared a room for the both of them, next to hers.

Hiroshi can't help it but all he could do the whole day is smile, admiring the vermillion-haired girl's eating abilities. He started to like her more. The next thing that Kagura knew, was their exchanges of their vows. She felt confused, of course. But she said her vow, following Hiroshi's when the light suddenly turns off.

Kagura sniffed and smiled. The lights turned on and she saw a pile of high quality beef piled up in the door, being guarded by a person wearing a cow costume. She looked closer, and started to laugh making the other people look at her.

"G-G- hahahahahha" She felt her sides were starting to hurt because of what she's seeing right now. Gintoki just stretched the costume from his ass, feeling it's kinda tight when a sandy-haired sadist wearing a tuxedo grabbed Kagura's hand and leaned closer to her, their nose meeting each other.

Hiroshi tried saying something when Hijikata, who also is wearing a cow costume fed him a piece of meat and pats his shoulder.

"You don't stand a chance, brother. I tell you, he's a 101% pure sadist." Hijikata puffed his cigarette and looked at the Gin-cow laughing and pointing at him. Hijikata snapped and started to kill Gintoki, leaving Hiroshi behind. He stared at the both of them, breaking his own heart.

"I'll give you beef everyday. " Sougo said and Kagura just looked at his eyes. When she was about to say something, Sougo captured her lips and whispered something.

"Just stay by my side, forever."

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**So did you like the costumeship between Hijikata and Gintoki? DEFINITELY HELL FREAKIN BREATH TAKING ANUS SHATTERING SOUL BREAKING YES! *coughs* excuse me. So I'm writing this just to say to you guys that i'm so freaking awesome at making things go better to worse. since I suck at writing, just spank i mean flood me your messages or death threats down in the review section that'll be great. Oh and follow and favorite too since it's not that big of a deal isn't it? Oh and thank you very hamnida for reading until this far you really are awesome for reading a crappy author's note. *sobs* (HA GAYYY) Well boobyee**


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